Saturday, March 29, 2003.

[From the archives…this is what it thought like at the time]

We’re at war, now. There’s no doubting that. & it won’t be as quick & as easy as the big wigs in Washington led us to believe. It’s strange being here, in New York, at a time like this. There is a general overall feeling of involvement in this mess – in one way or another. It was the first front in this war against the Islamic nation and yet it also houses the greatest uprising against this war in Iraq. And as Churchill noted, the first casualty of war is the truth. & it’s difficult to feel anything if not buried beneath a thick layer of lies, half truths, hypocrisy & misinformation. & even these can be subcategorized if it were worth the effort. It’s hard to maintain a peaceful state these days. Tonight, like many other nights I resorted to dancing with alcohol & cigarettes. I drank two 16oz. cans of Budweiser & just moved on to a glass of absinth. I’m listening to Blood on the Tracks and MSNBC is covering the war in the background. Everyone in the immediate position of caring seems to be paralyzed by this Conflict. Everyone, that is, who is capable of avoiding its presence. The families, the supporters, the protestors & the possible victims of retaliatory terrorist or military attacks.

I was drinking with Greer the other day & mentioned that I’d like to quit smoking.
“This is no time to quit smoking,” she said & she was right.

“Yes…we’re living in an anxious time.” It wasn’t the first time I’d spoken that sentence. In fact, it’s become something of a staple in my day to day life. My good friends were married a week ago tonight & I recall being the most nervous & Fearful person at the wedding. Not because of any mistake being made or because of any sort of imminent harm, but because my nervous have been run so deeply through the ringer that it is hard to react or interact with even the most normal and beautiful moments that life offers. My brother, Todd, came up to visit & had what would seem like a very nice time, but left just moments after a breakdown that resulted, I imagine, from the culmination of loneliness, madness, fear, and hopelessness. And these are emotions that are riding high in all of us. Or at least most everyone I am associated with. Times are hard all over. This is true, and it, too, is a statement that is in no way foreign to what’s been going on in my life. My stomach hurts lately, and two mornings ago, the water hurt when it hit my stomach as if I’d been crawling around the desert for two or three days. My organs are certainly not being treated properly…none of them…& I can’t blame them for their inflammatory behavior, it is one of my greatest hopes that they find the compassion to understand the motivation that lies behind their suffering.

I recently read an Einstein quote that read, “I don’t know with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks & stones.” Those are powerful words and I don’t think they are comfortably enough inaccurate. & as Oppenheimer noted, this is a man whose mistakes take at least 10 years to correct. So where does that leave us if not in a constant state of doom & Panic. Well, at any rate, the drinks are strong, & for people like me, they need to be. I’m not yet sure why that is, but I’ve come to accept it as truth. I look older than my age & until two or three years ago this was very far from the case.

Already they’ve begun comparing this to Vietnam. The idea makes me terribly nervous & to some extent, very foolish. Thinking back, I felt a strange jealousy over my parent’s generation…at least they had a cause…at least there was some Reason to be alive. What a awful thing to cope with once you learn what you knew you didn’t Really want to learn. There’s no doubting things are different these days, & probably not in a positive way. The fear that unraveled & united the sixties has reappeared in a much uglier and globally more terrifying set of circumstances. And this time, we don’t even have the benefit of intelligence on either side of the fence. There is no great voice to follow in opposition to violence & hatred & our Commander in Chief already has books published solely concerning his buffoonery. Yes, the only place I’ve ever seen a book about George W. Bush is in the humor section of Barnes & Nobles. It’s a strange set of circumstances and I don’t think any intelligent person could deny that on either side. But the extremes to which it drives even those who are expected to feel “safe” at home is nothing short of terrifying. & this is their weapon & a battle that was won very early.

I’m supposed to go out & celebrate Rich’s birthday tonight & I will, despite the fact that I’m already drunk & disillusioned & disgusted with everything that happens outside of my door & possibly even more disgusted with that which happens within. But, nevertheless, I feel relatively safe here…I know where I will wake up if I wake up & there is no unforeseen trouble, at least no logical expectation of such trouble.

Yes, it’s a different world from the one I was born into. I watched the berlin wall fall & the soviet union democratize itself & yet here I am watching a 10 year old problem resurface in a bloody nightmare that no one truly understands or can wholeheartedly justify or oppose. Information is rarer than oil & far cheaper.

I’ve sat down to write this story so many times & failed miserably. & now, I recognize the fact that this failure could last the duration of my life, but ultimately I know my failure will be my document. My eternity, my life, misinterpreted from some random notes and desperate cries and loud yawps of Joy that will, perhaps, only be understood by those who were here to hear them. But so be it.